We toddlers are fascinatingly funny little creatures, aren’t we? our mummy’s could observe us in our natural habitat for hours, as we go about our busy ways, climbing on everything and having a whole load of fun making a mess of all the things they just tidied away. It is soooo brilliant to suddenly become much more mobile, and have all these opportunities to find new things to meddle with that aren’t our boring day-to-day toys.
And of course, once we’ve found something we like doing, we do it again and again…and again. So from my mummy’so ongoing observations of my actions, here’s ten toddler habits that she’s spotted (all very sweet, but ever-so-slightly strange i have to admit, but hey that’s me):
1. Wanting to wear shoes with everything, especially pyjamas. I love take them to mummy or daddy toput on, saying ‘shaaaooes!’ well if mummy wants to buy tonnes of them for me, she should expect me to want to wear those lovely little flippers.
2. Dancing along joyfully on the spot to music and clapping. god I can throw some shapes.
3. Alerting big people to the fact that it’s been about twenty minutes since my last meal by dragging my table and chair or sometimes the vegetable rack, towards her.
4. Unselfconsciously sticking my hand down mummy’s top and while rummaging around for a boob, exposing her bra, in public. And i wasn't even breastfeed: it’s more of a hint to her.
5. throwing whatever is to hand very hard at the TV or our dog. He needs to learn to move faster in my opinion.
6. pooping in my nappy and finding someone to sit upon to squidge it. Spreading the love man!
7. As well as calling the man himself Daddy, I’ll use the word to refer to a whole host of other thingsiincluding birdies, the park and most recently, a goat on TV. “nana’ is also not only to reference those yellow lovelies but is good for all fruit.
8. Bringing the remote over and nudging the oldies until they put on the only pig i ever wanna know. EVER, i mean she is quite simply awesome.
9. Emptying cupboards and drawers in seconds, then innocently saying ‘uh oh!’ if I'm caught, which i usually am. mummy's really do have eyes in the back of their heads.
10. Never wanting to sit down in the bath. Especially vital when my hair is being washed.
I just want to say to an older version of myself who may potentially be reading this – sorry if any of this is deeply embarrassing, it’s not meant to be. But remember you are only nearly two, and can't be responsible for your behaviour at such a young age.
From talking with toddlers of a similar age to me, these all seem to be pretty universal observation right?! So are there any more I’ve missed? What’s the oddest thing you do?...
DEAR BABIES, here's an important lesson for you all to heed in not sharing.
We already know that parents tend to be hypocritical when it comes to rules. Try not to hold it against them as most of their actions are born from a crippling fear that they'll raise an embarrassment not a well rounded human.
But last week a line was crossed.
I was in my nursery's garden this afternoon building a desert city with an awesome moat, when a "I'm changing the world one poo at a time" wet nappy wearing NON WALKER crawled over and put his mitts on my red watering can. Mummy who came to drag me home. witnessed this and In my dreams she would have yelled: "Hey baldy, get away from my kid's toys" and pushed him gently on to his back, but no. When I went to pull it away from him and strike his Charlie Brown head with my can she not only humiliated me by catching my arm mid-push but sang "We Share darling!" softly in my ear.
Now, I understand that mums and dads behave like caricatured versions of themselves in public trying their hardest to emulate the bubble gum disciplinarian Mary Poppins in order to earn the respect of their peers, but this was ridiculous and I am outraged.
Why should I share? Do we live in communist Russia? Did everyone at the park chip in fifty pence so that I could have these. Why do I owe this kid a nano second with this toy?
...it's to teach me kindness and generosity. Yeah because I'm really feeling charitable right now. Forced philanthropy. That seems like a wonderful idea. Maybe we should donate some of mummy's shoes and daddy's "collectables, aka star wars figures.
I've been asking for a tic tac for MONTHS and even though I know my mum's bag is full of them, have been denied repeatedly. I can't get a sip of fizzy water. The buttons on the washing machine are off limits and don't get me started on the oven dials. seems like this "sharing" concept only applies to yours truly.
If you're reading this and you don't understand what I'm on about then you are probably the kid i’m on about. Well kid rest assured that I do not and probably never will have a toy with your name on it. Next time I see you at the sand pit bring your own toys and steer clear of me.
DEAR BABIES a hobby enjoyed by big people Is making us little people do things. by now you’ll be well aware my mummy is queen at this. Unfortunately mummy's and daddy's have collectively decided that forced remorse is a morality building exercise. It's a common misconception, well a lie, amongst adults that if you require someone to say "I'm sorry" enough times, they'll eventually mean it. Do not believe such a false claim.
They self-righteously drag you over to the kid whose giant head connected with your foot or whose eyes magnetically attracted the sand from your bucket and whisper, "Say you're sorry!"
Or like a puppy being forced to face its stinking excrement, they'll pull you to the site of your latest masterpiece, toilet paper extravaganza if you will, and require you to say "SORRY" to them, the wind, an unseen deity...who knows who this penance is being directed toward.
i had just such an experience this week at a music class with another attendee. We had a brief but intimidating face off and I'm a busy little girl with more important things to do than be stared at by a boy. Sorry baby boys. You Know It's True. I pushed him out of my way. Just gently you understand, but he fell like a deck of cards and used his crocodile tears to full effect; on this point i give him a round of applause.
Well my mummy was far from happy it turned out. It was suggested i offer up an apology.
I know apologies aren’t effective because I've seen daddy apologize to mummy ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS without even knowing what he's saying sorry for. It's pathetic.
Daddy: I'm really sorry.
Mummy: Sorry for what? (pop quiz time, folks!)
Daddy: (stammering and smiling out of fear) Sorry because...uh-ah, what we talked about, I should have been more..been less...I'm very sorry. ice cream?
In those sad exchanges, it's clear to everyone in the room except my mother that what daddy means to say is:
Daddy: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're crazy. I'm even more sorry that from time to time you draw me into your land of crazy increasing its population from 1 to 2.
It's no different for us dear babies. We're not sorry we poured glue into a brand new family-sized box of CornFlakes. We were simply making science. I'm not sorry that qhen the mood takes me one day i will probably explode a big pillow with kiddy scissors. Pillows are family property and I'm part of this family.
babies whether you're mummy is holding your upper arm in a death grip or doing her In-public calm parent act at the shops ("What do you say, honey bunny?"), know this: we only ever apologise so that life can go on, but we in no way feel any regret.
Below is a handy guide for translating some fake apologies. Feel free to use...
When I Say "I'm Sorry" I really mean:
I'm sorry I got caught
I'm sorry you have enough energy to care
I'm sorry I didn't run faster
I'm sorry I did that in front of you
I'm sorry I didn't eat the evidence
I'm sorry you have no sense of humour
I'm sorry you lack a spirit of adventure
I'm sorry you are obsessed with "clean"
I'm sorry kids can't be kids
I'm sorry you have such high standards
I'm sorry your rules are too boring/complicated to follow
to other babies at the park, in a class or at your nursery:
I'm sorry you're no fun
I'm sorry you don't know the difference between personal and communal property
I'm sorry your snack looked delicious and your reflexes are slow
I'm sorry you were in my way
I'm sorry I had to punish you...
sorry is the hardest word babies!
DEAR BABIES this weekend i have learned a lot. now, I’ve only been a toddler for about one year, and before that a baby, but I can already say this with certainty: loving your big people does not mean they won’t get on your nerves sometimes.
Their aggravating ways, which are probably ingrained in them from birth, are at full throttle in adulthood, when meltdowns and chaos and battles of wills are the norm rather than the exception.
But there’s a silver lining little ones. Despite the fact that they drive you bonkers, these exasperating childish behaviours are actually really important to your learning and emotional development.
So remind yourself of these the next time you’re ready to rip what little hair you have, out!
for example, my mummy and daddy, in the short spells of time between the out-of-the-house activities, mummy has planned, insist on reading the same book over and over again. or singing the same song, god help us. it's at this juncture i slap my hands against my cheeks. i recommend trying it babies; it truly helps rid you of frustration. also most of the time just indulge them in this repetition because it does actually seem to help with our speech development. amazing hey. plus, parents seem to find joy in knowing what comes next so they can pull funny faces.
now, this weekend was manic as usual. why we have to be engaged in so much activity babies i will never work out. if you ever do, please email me. i'd be extremely grateful. saturday we went shopping which once again involved me sitting in a trolley. i always keep myself entertained by kicking pusher of said trolley. plus, as all babies know , this is our environment in which to communicate with other young ones in the vicinity. it's on par with animals in the wild. and if it's good enough for those clever creatures...next we went to see some more animals. i think it is possible to get sick of stroking a lamb you know. but it keeps those who make us meals happy and we do need to eat. one does what one has to.
sunday was a wild day at a new adventure park. for those of you who have been to such a place. wow! why was i never told they existed. so much to see and do. slides galore. more flaming animals! are there any actual animals left in the wild? anyway, the slides (have i mentioned those already...), the trampoline, swings, a great train ride - although i sensed pretty soon after we sat on it that daddy was a little scared, so i climbed on to his lap - and ice cream! what's not to like about this day. it was soooo good that i was pretty good too. now, don't go thinking i let down the side of kids all over the world here, i did have a mini breakdown when daddy was purchasing some donuts i think, for his dinner; not sure why i have to eat couscous and he gets sugar but you choose your battles in this life. this episode involved strangers getting out of my way, both mummy and daddy trying to pick me up and tears; i think you get the gist.
when you find yourselves, one sunny day at an adventure park, think back to my day and heed my advice: stare out the person distributing yummy snacks we don't usually get to smell let alone eat, even when it gets awkward. jump on everything you can, climb high enough that mummy starts panicking, run faster than you have ever before and, now this one is golden: never wear the hat they keep shoving on your head. you don't and will never need it. EVER.