DEAR BABIES a hobby enjoyed by big people Is making us little people do things. by now you’ll be well aware my mummy is queen at this. Unfortunately mummy's and daddy's have collectively decided that forced remorse is a morality building exercise. It's a common misconception, well a lie, amongst adults that if you require someone to say "I'm sorry" enough times, they'll eventually mean it. Do not believe such a false claim.
They self-righteously drag you over to the kid whose giant head connected with your foot or whose eyes magnetically attracted the sand from your bucket and whisper, "Say you're sorry!"
Or like a puppy being forced to face its stinking excrement, they'll pull you to the site of your latest masterpiece, toilet paper extravaganza if you will, and require you to say "SORRY" to them, the wind, an unseen deity...who knows who this penance is being directed toward.
i had just such an experience this week at a music class with another attendee. We had a brief but intimidating face off and I'm a busy little girl with more important things to do than be stared at by a boy. Sorry baby boys. You Know It's True. I pushed him out of my way. Just gently you understand, but he fell like a deck of cards and used his crocodile tears to full effect; on this point i give him a round of applause.
Well my mummy was far from happy it turned out. It was suggested i offer up an apology.
I know apologies aren’t effective because I've seen daddy apologize to mummy ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS without even knowing what he's saying sorry for. It's pathetic.
Daddy: I'm really sorry.
Mummy: Sorry for what? (pop quiz time, folks!)
Daddy: (stammering and smiling out of fear) Sorry because...uh-ah, what we talked about, I should have been more..been less...I'm very sorry. ice cream?
In those sad exchanges, it's clear to everyone in the room except my mother that what daddy means to say is:
Daddy: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're crazy. I'm even more sorry that from time to time you draw me into your land of crazy increasing its population from 1 to 2.
It's no different for us dear babies. We're not sorry we poured glue into a brand new family-sized box of CornFlakes. We were simply making science. I'm not sorry that qhen the mood takes me one day i will probably explode a big pillow with kiddy scissors. Pillows are family property and I'm part of this family.
babies whether you're mummy is holding your upper arm in a death grip or doing her In-public calm parent act at the shops ("What do you say, honey bunny?"), know this: we only ever apologise so that life can go on, but we in no way feel any regret.
Below is a handy guide for translating some fake apologies. Feel free to use...
When I Say "I'm Sorry" I really mean:
I'm sorry I got caught
I'm sorry you have enough energy to care
I'm sorry I didn't run faster
I'm sorry I did that in front of you
I'm sorry I didn't eat the evidence
I'm sorry you have no sense of humour
I'm sorry you lack a spirit of adventure
I'm sorry you are obsessed with "clean"
I'm sorry kids can't be kids
I'm sorry you have such high standards
I'm sorry your rules are too boring/complicated to follow
to other babies at the park, in a class or at your nursery:
I'm sorry you're no fun
I'm sorry you don't know the difference between personal and communal property
I'm sorry your snack looked delicious and your reflexes are slow
I'm sorry you were in my way
I'm sorry I had to punish you...
sorry is the hardest word babies!