DEAR BABIES, here's an important lesson for you all to heed in not sharing.
We already know that parents tend to be hypocritical when it comes to rules. Try not to hold it against them as most of their actions are born from a crippling fear that they'll raise an embarrassment not a well rounded human.
But last week a line was crossed.
I was in my nursery's garden this afternoon building a desert city with an awesome moat, when a "I'm changing the world one poo at a time" wet nappy wearing NON WALKER crawled over and put his mitts on my red watering can. Mummy who came to drag me home. witnessed this and In my dreams she would have yelled: "Hey baldy, get away from my kid's toys" and pushed him gently on to his back, but no. When I went to pull it away from him and strike his Charlie Brown head with my can she not only humiliated me by catching my arm mid-push but sang "We Share darling!" softly in my ear.
Now, I understand that mums and dads behave like caricatured versions of themselves in public trying their hardest to emulate the bubble gum disciplinarian Mary Poppins in order to earn the respect of their peers, but this was ridiculous and I am outraged.
Why should I share? Do we live in communist Russia? Did everyone at the park chip in fifty pence so that I could have these. Why do I owe this kid a nano second with this toy?
...it's to teach me kindness and generosity. Yeah because I'm really feeling charitable right now. Forced philanthropy. That seems like a wonderful idea. Maybe we should donate some of mummy's shoes and daddy's "collectables, aka star wars figures.
I've been asking for a tic tac for MONTHS and even though I know my mum's bag is full of them, have been denied repeatedly. I can't get a sip of fizzy water. The buttons on the washing machine are off limits and don't get me started on the oven dials. seems like this "sharing" concept only applies to yours truly.
If you're reading this and you don't understand what I'm on about then you are probably the kid i’m on about. Well kid rest assured that I do not and probably never will have a toy with your name on it. Next time I see you at the sand pit bring your own toys and steer clear of me.