monday's lesson has begun...
Things we need to teach our parents
1. Time is actually not linear. God knows why a great many of them haven't sussed this yet. But it's a well known fact with us little ones. When mummy is trying to get me to just put my shoes and socks on, seconds turn into loooong minutes. How long does she realistically want me to sit for! We will be late.
Just except this big people and you'll feel less anxious.
But on the other hand know that our our naps fly by in the blink of an eye. Mums will have evidently no time to tidy up. which is most definitely what my mum should be doing in naptime. And don’t even get me started on the hours between 5pm and 7pm. It is an actual mathematical fact that they are the longest hours of the day and yet big people all across the world have not understood this yet. A trick here is to reiterate this lesson by behaving like total maniacs at this time. Just in case mummy didn’t notice the eternal hours stretched out in front of her before the universally recognised bedtime of 730pm. Don't feel guilty, it's our job to teach...
2. You can actually tell what someone has had to eat by their poo; which is why ours gets collected up in nappies. I’ll leave it at that but it sort of leads into point 3…
3. We can eat a great deal more than couscous and yoghurts. I personally enjoy mud and flowers with an appetiser of a dog biscuit. I have a friend who enjoys his own poop. not my cup of tea but what ever floats your boat babies!
4. The order parents maintain in their life is not as important as they think it may be. Nothing falls apart if they don’t get the washing done. No one dies if the dishwasher is not unloaded (unless, of course, someone has been loaded into the dishwasher, then that may lead to injury and possibly death; albeit it would be a very funny way to go!).
5. Most things adults say to a two year old are fundamentally WRONG. The number of times my mummy has said something totally insane...my god!
Mummy-‘ Do you want your pink plate or the purple plate?’
Mummy gives me the pink plate
Me- ‘No want that one’ - a girl's entitled to change her mind!
Points at purple plate.
Mummy- ‘That’s the pink one’
Me- ‘No t’isn’t, it’s urple’.
Far be it for me to point out the blindingly obvious fact that after 40 plus (how old is my mummy anyway?) additional years on this planet she has a real disadvantage on the old colour recognition game front because her eyes are OOOOLLLLDDDD. But seriously it's our responsibility to teach even the stupid...
To us big people are annoying sidekicks following us round and telling us stuff they believe to be true but we know is completely inaccurate and fundamentally wrong.
6. To a 2 year old any kind of agreement, made by virtue of a grunt, nod, or a verbal we’ll remember, RIGHT, and is legally binding. Parents agree to stuff and hope we forget but despite the fact that sometimes we can’t remember where they left our favourite toy we WILL remember that we were promised a treat 6 weeks ago when mummy was trying to pack the shopping away while simultaneously chatting with me and cooking dinner.
Be ready to show that we know when to strike with requests and we will remember anything in the affirmative. Sadly a great many mums know not to be tricked into agreeing to anything at any cost. Move on to the weaker parent who doesn't know as much: Daddy.
7. There is nothing heavier and more awkward to manoeuvre than a hyperactic cocker spaniel and a toddler having a tantrum; the prime time to get what you want babies is when mummy is otherwise engaged and probably at her melting point. Ask mummy and you shall receive. Teach her that it's important to share.
9. How to be observant. Parents don't spend enough time looking for minuscule ‘ouchies’ on our tiny hands and knobbly knees, I think. When I say minuscule, these things are harder to locate than a wireless network signal in North Korea. BUT it is their job to seek and find, how else do our little tummies get treats?
10. Some people are indeed worth melting for (a quote from Frozen for the readers not indoctrinated by Disney YET!). All little people are worth the endless days, sleepless nights, backbreaking carrying and mind numbing boredom. Our biggies wouldn’t do this gig for anyone else. (Except maybe Tom Hardy. My mummy would probably do it for him, although I would question why he needed carrying; bit weird.)
This is just a snapshot of what we children need to teach adults... they need to take on some of our toddlerness and learn to chill.